Transformers Huminated: The Elite Guard
by TheWeasel027
Summary: The Elite Guard arrive on Earth to take Optimus, his crew, and the AllSpark home and prove less than capable of "blending in."
1. Cool Guys Always Show Up Late

Okay guys, I know that I was gone for longer than I said. It's just that my mom had a surprise trip planned that was nonrefundable. Not to mention I had no internet during my trip so I couldn't watch the TFA episodes for reference. Then she had to leave for Iraq, and I had to help her pack. Either way, I'm back and ready to start on

SEASON TWOOOOoooooo

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"This is a big maintenance job. Even for us," Bulkhead lifted up a boulder and packed it onto a dump truck. Meanwhile, several cars were backed up due to the repairs. The mother in the pressing her horn continuously.

"One moment ma'am!" Optimus ran over to the boulder that was blocking the road. He pulled out his axe and smashed the roadblock. When he was about to smash the other one, the mother screamed.

"Ah! Please don't hurt me!" she begged. She turned the car around and sped away followed by the rest of the cars.

"They were afraid of me," Optimus frowned sadly.

"Can you blame em? After all, we trashed half the city," Ratchet reminded. He used his magnetizers to lift scattered shrapnel onto the truck.

"Actually it was the Decepticons who did most of the damage," Prowl corrected.

"I liked it better when we were heroes," Bulkhead sighed then sat down on a boulder.

"We _are_ still heroes Bulkhead," Optimus insisted, "We just have to remind them. Now let's get back to work."

"Hey, wait a sec," Ratchet said, "Where's Bumblebee? Isn't he supposed to be helping too?"

**************************************************************

"Isaac Sumdac's office; please hold. Isaac Sumdac's office; please hold. Isaac Sumdac's office; please hold. Isaac Sumdac's office, thank you for holding. No. Mr. Sumdac hasn't returned from his…extended vacation yet," Bumblebee ran left and right, filing, stacking, and sorting. "Of course someone's running the company! Someone very capable." Bumblebee looked over at Sari who was banging her head on the desk, rattling the piles of paperwork.

"Ugh!" Sari screamed, "No wonder my dad acted so crazy! How'd he put up with all this?!" Just then, an alert for a vid-chat blinked on the screen. It was Powell again. "Bumblebee, put him through." Bumblebee clicked on his comlink. Porter C. Powell appeared on the computer.

"Ms. Sumdac, as the chairman of your board of directors, I've been going through the books and found that you're still burning through our valuable resources searching for your missing father. Isn't it time that you just accepted that he—"

"NO!" Sari slammed her fist on the keyboard, breaking a few of the keys off, "He's my dad! And if _I_ were missing he'd do the same for me!"

"Young lady, there's no room for _sentiment_ in business. A mere _child_ can't be trusted to run an entire company."

"This company's name is still Sumdac! So until I find my dad, I'm staying right _here_! and there's nothing you can do about it!" Sari slammed her finger on the "End" button. Powell's face disappeared. Sari sighed and buried her head in her palms.

"Hold all my calls," Sari told Bumblebee, "I need a break."

"Okay boss-lady," Bumblebee nodded, "But you might wanna take a look at this." He pointed at the television which showed a large fireball falling.

"_All eyes are on the mysterious object falling from the sky which entered earth's atmosphere from space and is heading straight for downtown Detroit."_ The television reported.

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"Did you guys see that?!" Bumblebee exclaimed when he found his friends.

"Kinda hard to miss," Ratchet commented.

"We'd better check it out," Optimus said, "Autobots roll out!" The Autobots ran to where the fireball was heading.

***************************************************************

The Autobots, Metropolice, and civilians stared with the same awestruck expression at the huge blue and white spaceship which took up all of Detroit Central Park.

"Secure the perimeter!" Fanzone shouted over the megaphone, "We're not takin any chances this time!"

"Have your men stand down," Optimus told Fanzone, "Let us handle this."

"So you can wreck the _other_ half of the city? I don't think so." Before Fanzone could continue his Anti-Autobot rant, a large hatch on the spaceship opened up. A cold fog crept out. When the smoke cleared, three figures stood there. All bearing the same winged Autobots symbol.

"Oh. Great. The last thing we need. More spacemen," Fanzone sighed. The Autobots approached the newcomers and saluted.

"Ultra Magnus, sir," Optimus said to the middle one with gray hair, "Welcome to Earth, commander. It's an hon—"

"Jazz," Ultra Magnus interrupted Optimus's welcome, "Set up a shield to quarantine us from the earthlings." Jazz raised a surprised brow and looked at the earthlings wearing blue suits.

"You sure that's necessary commander?" he asked, "They look just like us. I'd like to get a closer look."

"You might feel different about that after the slime they spew out melts you down into a puddle or mutates you into some freaky tentacle thing," Sentinel Prime made a grotesque face and wiggled his fingers grossly to show him.

"Really?"

"I've had some experience with E.T.s and trust me, no good can come from em. Isn't that right Optimus?" Sentinel smiled at his old academymate then activated the force field, cutting off the Autobots from the outside. Sari ran to the field and banged on it, but her fists bounced off.

"Hey! What's the big idea?!" she exclaimed.

"Sentinel Prime, decontaminate Optimus and his crew," Ultra Magnus walked onto the ship.

"With pleasure. _Sir_," Sentinel smiled devilishly.


	2. The Elite Guard

The blaster bombarded the Autobots with a stream of foam that hit them like drills while they complained.

"Watch the foam!" Ratchet barked.

"They're earthlings not space barnacles!" Prowl pleaded.

"Hey tiny!" Sentinel pointed at Bumblebee, "Step out from behind your overgrown pal!" Bumblebee walked out from behind Bulkhead then coughed and sputtered when he took a foam blast to the face.

"I don't think he remembers us," Bulkhead whispered to him.

"And that's just how I wanna keep it," Bumblebee said glumly.

"This is completely unnecessary Sentinel!" Optimus blocked his eyes from a stream.

"Can't risk an infestation old _buddy_," Sentinel sneered, "Take it like a real man!" Jazz shut off the decontamination chamber before Sentinel could continue.

"Cool it Sentinel. Whatever went down between you and Optimus, you don't need to hassle his crew," Jazz frowned.

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"Mr. Fanzone! They're trapped! Held against their will!" Sari tugged on Fanzone's shirt, "We've gotta get em out!"

"Nah, no no no. I ain't about to provoke an 'intergalactic incident'," Fanzone shook his head.

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"I cleaned them up as best I could sir, but you know how it is with these aliens," Sentinel snorted.

"That will be enough Sentinel," Magnus motioned, "We've already wasted enough time and resources tracking down these stragglers. So if it's all the same to you, we'll just retrieve the AllSpark and be on our way."

"Yeah, about that," Bumblebee rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, "Funny story. It kinda…uh—"

"Blew up," Bulkhead finished.

"The AllSpark was destroyed?!" Magnus gasped.

"Not exactly destroyed," Optimus corrected, "More like its energy was 'dispersed.' At least that's what I think."

"Wow," Sentinel raised a brow, "You have made some pretty bad blunders in your time. But this! Haha! Has gotta top em all!" He laughed.

"He's a slaggin hero for keepin it from Megatron and the Decepticons!" Ratchet barked.

"Stand down Doc Senile. Your boss is a lot of things, but hero ain't one of em. We did a full sweep of the entire planet and haven't found a single trace of any Decepticons."

"That's cuz we kicked their sorry cans!" Bumblebee injected.

"You expect us to believe that a bunch of worthless repair flunkies could beat Megatron?"

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"Gah! Why do we hide here like cowards?! We should stand and fight the accursed Autobots!" Lugnut shook his fists in the air. His arm then popped off at the shoulder and clanked on the ground.

"Patience Lugnut," Megatron said, "These carbon deposits shield us from detection while we recover from our last encounter with them." Megatron looked around the mine then walked to the computer panel. "Besides, I have my sights set on a far bigger prize:" Megatron pulled up an image of their home planet, "Cybertron itself."

"Oh! Zat sounds crazy! Aha even to me!" Blitzwing chuckled. Lugnut slapped him to the floor with his disembodied arm.

"How dare you doubt the word of our glorious leader?!" Lugnut demanded, "But uh, master? How will you pull off this uh _stunning_ victory?"

"Two things led to our defeat in the Great Wars: the AllSpark, and the Autobots' space bridge network," Megatron explained, "The AllSpark, as we all know, is no longer a factor. but during my battle aboard the Autobots' ship, I was able to download a schematic for one of their space bridges."

"Intriguing," Blitzwing eyed the schematic, "If we can reverse engineer their schematic, we can construct our very own space bridge. Zen beam ourselves to Cybertron and _conquer_ the planet from within!"

"Though there is but one problem," Megatron said, "The specs are incomplete. We will need an assistant filling in the gaps. And who better than the master of reverse engineering?" Megatron turned his gaze to the man sitting in a small lab that was sealed off by thick glass walls. "Professor Isaac Sumdac."

"You cannot trick me into helping you _this_ time Megatron," Sumdac said defiantly, "The Autobots will come for me."

"And yet thus far they have not. Why do you suppose that is? Could it have something to do with the fact that you resurrected their worst enemy? Right now, the only thing keeping you alive is your usefulness to _me_."

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"Hmph, I'll give you points for creativity on your _bogus_ story Optimus, but where's your proof?" Sentinel Prime crossed his arms and smirked, "Show me one shred of evidence that the AllSpark wasn't completely destroyed on your watch."

"You have my word," Optimus said.

"Ha! And we all know what that's worth? Don't we?"

"Come on Boss-man," Bulkhead nudged, "Why don't ya stand up for yourself?"

"Because he knows his place."

"HOW BOUT I PUT YOU IN _YOUR_ PLACE?!" Bulkhead charged, but Bumblebee, Optimus, Prowl, and Ratchet stopped him, while Jazz held back Sentinel from attacking.

"Stand down! all of you!" Magnus slammed his hammer down on the ground. The room became quiet. "These are serious charges and they will be investigated. Optimus Prime, show us where this supposed Decepticon battle took place. Your crew will stay with jazz until this matter is settled."

"We can take the Auto-Rover to avoid detection," Sentinel suggested.

"Excellent. Autobots roll out."

"Oh yeah," Bumblebee whispered to Bulkhead, "No one's gonna notice that."

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Outside, the shield dissipated. The hatch opened up on the ship and Optimus stepped out.

"Look! Prime's okay!" Sari exclaimed.

"It's alright! They're on our side!" Optimus assured. A large blue and white Auto-Rover rolled out. Optimus stepped inside. The Auto-Rover drove towards Fanzone's perimeter. most of the officers had to jump out of the way of the rover which smashed through two police cars and Fanzone's car.

"That's good. I was worried they might you know. Destroy something!" Fanzone frowned.

"Wait! What about the others?!" Sari exclaimed. She ran towards the ship, but the shield reappeared, and she bonked her face against it. "Oh man." She rubbed her nose.


	3. Jazz Meets An Earthling

"Um commander? Woah!" Optimus exclaimed as the rover made a sharp left, "Here on earth, we drive on the right side of the road."

"Ultra Magnus is not interested in the opinions of a scrub!" Sentinel snapped. He made a sharp turn onto a highway exit. Sending Optimus into the wall. Optimus looked out the window and realized that they were driving on the damaged highway.

"Sentinel wait!"

"Shut it! I'm driving!" Sentinel continued down the road.

"Um, sir? You might wanna buckle up," Optimus suggested as he sat down and strapped himself in.

"Why do you say that Optimus?" Magnus asked before strapping his own seatbelt. Just then, Sentinel drove the Auto-Rover off the unfinished highway. They crashed into a concrete pillar, bounced off and landed sideways on the ground. Sentinel lay sprawled on the wall under several pieces of equipment while Optimus and Ultra Magnus where hanging in their seats by the seatbelts.

"Next time, Sentinel Prime, you may want to listen to Optimus," Ultra Magnus suggested.

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"Space bridges. Space _bridges_. I don't know anything about space _bridges_. I don't _claim_ to know anything about them. This is not even my area of expertise. I do servo mechanics not teleportation!" Sumdac complained while he worked on the schematics. Just then, his robot assistant threw a box at his computer and then started dancing wildly. "I'm sorry! I won't complain anymore! I promise!"

"You! You did that on purpose!" Lugnut accused, "To sabotage Megatron's brilliant plan!" Lugnut then lowered the force field.

"No! no! he just went crazy! I swear!" Sumdac pleaded. Megatron aimed his cannon and fired. The droid exploded causing Sumdac to cower in his chair.

"He's telling the truth," Megatron picked up a piece of the droid. "There is a fragment of the AllSpark embedded in these circuits. The AllSpark may not've been completely destroyed. There may still be pockets of its energy scattered all over this city. All over this planet. Each one capable of instilling its life force to the most basic of creatures and cybernetic constructions.

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And just as Megatron spoke, an AllSpark fragment activated at a Sumdac Systems assembly plant. The energy surged through the building. Several microprocessors being implanted in police drones glowed blue. And as the drones moved through the plant their lights started to glow the same energetic blue…

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Sari felt the shield. It felt like flowing water beneath her palm. And yet it was so solid. She jumped when her phone rang. She pulled it out of her pocket and answered.

"Hello?" she asked. It was Powell again.

"There's a problem at the factory. The assembly line for the police drones has gone haywire," Powell said.

"Can't you fix it?"

"I thought the company name was 'Sumdac.'" Powell gave a smug smirk.

"Ugh! Fine! I'll do it myself." Sari clicked it off. "With a little help from my assistant." Sari pulled her key off her necklace. "I wonder." She pushed the key through the field and cut through it like butter. A small slit appeared where she cut. "Yes!" She inched through it and got inside just as it sealed back.

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Sari wandered through the seemingly endless hallways. And after five minutes of searching, she hadn't found any signs of life. And before she could search any further, she accidentally tripped an alarm.

"Alien contamination alert!" Jazz's voice shouted over the intercom. Blast doors closed off Sari's escape as Jazz ran in front of her.

"Contamination located," he stopped and eyed Sari.

"Who are you calling a 'contamination'?!" Sari put her hands on her hips.

"Sorry! Just stay cool and roll back off the ship nice and easy like. And don't even thinka spewin any of ya slime at me."

"Slime? Oh I get it. You're afraid of me aren't you?" Sari jumped up and waved her hands wildly. "Booga booga booga!"

"Ah!" Jazz jumped up on one leg and shielded himself with his arms and other leg from the anticipated slime that never came.

"What's goin on here?!" Ratchet ran into the hallway followed by Prowl, Bumblebee, and Bulkhead.

"Guys!" Sari ran to Bumblebee and hugged him as Jazz quickly tip toed out of the way.

"Stay back! You don't wanna be slimed!" Jazz warned.

"Relax, it's just Sari. She's perfectly safe," Bulkhead assured.

"But Sentinel—"

"Is a dimwit," Bumblebee said, "All due respect."

"Crazy. These Earthlings. They got their own look. They own style." Jazz poked Sari's head.

"Guys! I need your help," Sari tugged Bumblebee's shirt, "Something's wrong at one of my dad's assembly plants. Come on!"

"No can do. I got orders from the big man himself to stick with ya."

"Yeah, but he didn't say where," Bumblebee reminded with a smile.

"Well, Magnus and the Primes took the only rover," Jazz rubbed his chin for a few seconds then snapped his fingers, "I got it! Follow me." Jazz deactivated the blast doors and led the Autobots and Sari down several halls into the hangar bay. There was a large spot where the Auto-Rover once was and several blue and white Cybertronian motorcycles lined along the wall.

"NO WAY!" Bumblebee exclaimed.

"If we gonna travel, we gonna travel in style," Jazz smiled.

"Say doc, I bet these are three times better than yours," Bumblebee mocked.

"Please," Ratchet waved Bumblebee's comment away, "These _tricycles_ don't even hold a candle."

"So can I drive?" Bumblebee asked Jazz.

"I guess," he answered.

"Yes!"

"Oh no you're not," Ratchet instantly smashed Bumblebee's joy, "Jazz, you got any sidecars?" Jazz pointed to the corner where three egg-shaped pods with wheels sat.

"Oh man!" Bumblebee groaned.


	4. A Screwloose World Turned UpsideDown

"Our ship is right up ahead," Optimus pointed to the caldera, "But try to keep quiet."

"Ooo afraid there might be some big bad Decepticons lurking in the bushes?" Sentinel mocked.

"Not Decepticons. _Dinobots_." Just as Optimus warned the others, the Dinobots jumped out of the trees and blocked their path. "They'll leave you alone, as long as you don't provoke them."

"I don't need some Elite Guard washout telling me how to handle a bunch of primitives. I mean just look at em. They look even more primitive than everyone else on this backwash planet." Grimlock growled at Sentinel's comment.

"They aren't as primitive as they look."

"I don't recall asking you." Sentinel shoved Optimus out of the way and stepped towards the Dinobots. "Go on! Shoo!"

"DINOBOTS! DESTROY!" Grimlock's bonesword burst out of his hand and ignited. Sentinel put up his shield, but Grimlock slashed and knocked him down. The rest of the Dinobots then pulled out their weapons and ignited them. They approached Sentinel. Ultra Magnus lifted up his hammer and slammed it into the ground. Lightning bolts fell from the sky and struck the surrounding area. The Dinobots backed away into the forest and disappeared.

"What kind of screw loose planet is this?!" Sentinel brushed the dust off his jacket and pants.

****************************************************************

"Man that was some funky blinkin color lightshow!" Jazz chuckled, "What you call those things again?"

"Traffic lights?" Bulkhead responded.

"Traffic lights. Solid." The cycles all pulled to a stop at the plant. Sari, Bumblebee, and Bulkhead stepped out of their respective sidecars while the others stepped off the cycles. Sari's key glowed hot and shot a beam of light towards the plant.

"That can't be good," she squeaked.

"Everyone get down!" Prowl shouted. The Autobots took cover behind some crates. The wall blew apart sending shrapnel through the air and shredding some of the surrounding area. An army of police drones rolled out of the factory and onto the docks. They all started firing at the Autobots.

"I've changed my mind!" Sari exclaimed, "I don't wanna run my dad's company anymore!" Bulkhead swung at the drones with his wrecking ball.

"It's no good!" he shouted, "These things are rollin off the assembly line faster than I can smash em!"

"Is it always like this on this crazy planet?!" Jazz shouted.

"Pretty much," Prowl replied.

"Prime! We've got trouble at the Sumdac Systems robot plant! And we're gonna need backup!" Ratchet alerted over the comlink.

"_Copy that Ratchet! I'm on my way!"_ Optimus responded. Ratchet clicked off the comlink and activated his magnetizers. He then crushed two drones in a magnetic field. Then he was gunned down by a drone which was then smashed by Bulkhead. Bumblebee sped through the drones and shot them with his stingers. Prowl jumped over Bulkhead and slashed two drones to pieces in a spinning maneuver.

"Oh, the classic Metallikato Five Servos of Doom attack," Jazz admired, "But have you seen this one?" He pulled out two energy nunchacku from pockets on his pant legs. He spun them and slashed through drones in a fantastic acrobatic display.

"Impressive," Prowl smirked.

"Guess you never got that far in you ninja trainin." Jazz then repeated the move and took out several more drones. Two drones came on either of Prowl's sides. He jumped out of the way just as they fired and blasted each other. But then, one more drone shot Prowl in the back. Prowl fell to the ground and was surrounded by drones. They charged their guns. Prowl waited for his imminent doom. But it never came. An ion axe slashed through the surrounding drones like a boomerang.

"Mind if I cut in?" Optimus caught his axe then helped Prowl up.

"Optimus Prime! Behind you!" Ultra Magnus smashed the two drones with his hammer.

"We should return to the ship sir!" Sentinel suggested as Sari ran to him and away from the drones that were chasing her. Sentinel surrounded himself and Magnus in an energy field. "Every moment we're out here we risk contaminating ourselves!" Sari ran to his shield and banged on it then ran off.

"It's no use! No matter how many we destroy they just keep coming!" Ratchet exclaimed.

"Then we need to shut down that assembly line!" Optimus shouted.

"I'll do it with my key!" Sari volunteered, "As long as this company's name is Sumdac it's _my_ responsibility.

"Okay, Bulkhead; Ratchet; Bumblebee! You keep the drones busy out here! Prowl and I will sneak Sari onto the loading dock!"

"Mind if I join ya?" Jazz followed Optimus, Prowl, and Sari into the facility.

*******************************************************************

The three ran through the hallways and eventually came to the assembly line. Then they were surrounded by drones.

"Go!" Jazz told Optimus and Sari, "We'll hold em off!" He used his energy nunchucks to deflect the blaster bolts. Prowl used his shuriken to slice down several drones.

"Use your key! Hurry!" Optimus rushed Sari. She nodded and ran to the control panel. She pushed her key into the panel. The assembly line powered down to a stop.

"And _that_ is why the company name is Sumdac!" Sari cheered.

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Outside, the Autobots were holding off the droids as best they could. Then Ultra Magnus raised his hammer.

"Autobots! Disengage and retreat!" Ultra Magnus slammed the hammer down on the ground in a thunderous boom. Lightning bolts struck the surrounding area and destroyed each and every police droid.

"Woah. Now I get why the call you '_Ultra_' Magnus," Bumblebee stared at the charred remains of the droids.

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"Ungh! Hey! My key's stuck! I can't get it out!" Sari tugged at her key with all her might but to no avail.

"That panel's gonna overload!" Optimus tried to help Sari pull.

"I think you've done enough Optimus!" Sentinel Prime shoved Optimus out of the way, "I'll make sure you're tried for high treason destroying the AllSpark! Now come with me." Sentinel grabbed Optimus's wrist.

"No!"

"That wasn't a request! That was a _direct_ order Optimus!"

"It's Optimus _Prime_! I may be an 'Elite Guard washout' and a 'worthless repair flunky', but the last time I checked, you and I still have equal rank! So Sentinel _Prime_, take your order _and_ you condescending attitude and shove it! You're on _my_ turf now!" Optimus shoved Sentinel away and pulled out his axe. He slashed the control panel to pieces. Sari fell backwards and landed on her butt.

"A little warning next time?" Sari rubbed her bottom. She looked to her right. A glowing blue shard lay next to her.

"What is that?" Sentinel eyed the AllSpark fragment. Optimus picked it up and looked at it closely.

"Your proof," Optimus said.

*****************************************************************

"Definitely a fragment of the AllSpark," Ultra Magnus felt the AllSpark shard in his hand, "Apparently your story of dispersing the AllSpark might not be so farfetched after all."

"But sir! You can't possibly believe him! He's a lying insubordinate moron!" Sentinel cried.

"He may be a little rough around the edges. But in the heat of battle, Optimus Prime exhibited the qualities of a true leader: strategic thinking, determination, and above all loyalty. Something you could stand to learn about Sentinel Prime." Ultra Magnus then walked to his Auto-Rover. Sentinel displayed a very taken aback expression then slumped to the rover.

"How am I supposed to explain _this_ to Powell?" Sari put her head in her hands after seeing the remains of the police droids.

*****************************************************************

Sari typed her ID number into the door panel but was denied.

"Hey! Why's my office locked?!" she banged on the door.

"Ms. Sumdac," Powell's face appeared on the panel's screen, "I regret to inform you that your services will no longer be required. The board has unanimously elected me to take over as CEO of Sumdac Systems."

"You can't do that! It's still my family's company!"

"Is it? I took the liberty of doing some research into your claim. It might interest you to know that there is no will, no birth certificate, no adoption papers, social security number, or _any_ kind of record _whatsoever_ for a 'Sari Sumdac'."  
"Are you saying I can't prove I'm Isaac Sumdac's daughter?"  
"I'm saying you can't even prove you _exist_. Enjoy that bit of info." Powell sneered then turned in Sari's chair and clicked off the vid-chat. A cold shiver ran down Sari's spine. Suddenly, the world made no sense. Everything had turned upside-down.


End file.
